I’ve always wondered if there was any way of “turning” straight. If there was some sort of magic pill or vaccine which instantly caused some light to go off in your head and suddenly you’re heterosexual. And then I wonder…if this pill existed, would I take it?
I’ve always been very much determined to prove that the homosexual part of me was a very small part of my personality and that there was so much more to me than just being gay. And it’s true.
Jessica thinks it is weird that I am not really that much of a sexual person. I mean, I can be. I am human after all. But compared to most, I almost sound like a nun. I hardly ever look at porn, I can’t really even write or say the “m” word let alone do it, the notion of sex just exhausts me and I don’t really find a penis attractive to look at. That being said, at least they don’t actually scare me, like vaginas do. Notwithstanding, I wouldn’t say that I was driven by my sexual preference as a person in any way.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fit in with the gay world while also trying to prove my own identity, break the trends and not spend a lot of my time focusing on it. Six months ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of starting a blog based around gay issues. Beyond gay bars (which act as a safe haven for gay people in a dangerous intoxicated environment) I always thought it was silly having gay clubs within universities, a gay radio program, gay bookstores etc. All that stuff promoted segregation to me; the notion that we were somehow different from straight people and needed a specialised version of everything.
One of the main reasons I started this blog was to have a chance to reach out to other gay people like me. The ones who knew they were gay and were proud of being gay, but also ones who don’t believe that this is the sole framework of their personality. Ones who don’t wear make-up but accept those guys that do. Ones who don’t do drag but support it as an artform. Ones who cannot escape the relentless “is he/isn’t he” from co-workers, because there’s never quite a clear indication. Ones whose girl friends get angry that they can’t pick out a decent designer pair of heels within a mountain of shoes, nor do they find this kind of shopping enjoyable.
I’ve got a little brother. He’s ten. Obviously he is much too young for his sexual identity to reveal itself for sure, but I think most signs indicate that he is straight. He doesn’t play with girls toys in the department stores and he doesn’t memorise and perform spice girl lyrics (I suppose it would be Lady Gaga these days). Not that this means anything, but it’s all I can really go on at this stage.
I am glad and happy for him and to be honest, though I would support him, I would hope that he isn’t gay. Because while I am proud of myself and the person I am, growing up as a gay person is a frightening and lonely battle, where the future never seems as laid out as their straight counterparts. My theory is that people are born gay for a reason. It’s often the ones with the most potential. Strong willed and determined people. We are dealt this hand to play because we are the only ones strong enough to deal with it. It is almost a sort of test, to an extent. By overcoming my battle with coming out and becoming comfortable with my own sexuality, it has made me fearless. It didn’t kill me after all, and I now know that no matter what life throws at me, I can get through it. I don’t think I would have been so optimistic about life, if I hadn’t conquered my sexual identity as a young adult.
I think straight people have it a lot easier. And sometimes I wish that I had been born straight. It’d make life a lot easier. Perhaps then I would be comfortable to hang out with straight guys and talk about the footy at work, I’d be able to relate more to my dad, I wouldn’t be asked all the time if I have a girlfriend (because maybe I’d actually have one haha). But to answer my own question, if there was a “straight pill” that I could take to make me heterosexual – I wouldn’t take it. If I did take it, I just wouldn’t be me. And saying that I want to take a straight pill would be implying that I’m not happy being me. I’d rather live with the pressures and everything barriers of being a gay person than be anybody else. And I think most gay people would say the same too.
Let me know if you’ve ever wished that you could just wake up straight. Do you still think that way? In my next post, I will be switching things up a bit, and shedding light on the opposite situation. Until next time, keep being you. 🙂